29th July 3

I know that it's more than this, it's more than what they say. How can I explain that, how do I vocalise things in a world where I feel so invisible, where my voice is silent and has no impact. 

There must be more to life than these intense moods, than constantly getting hurt by the people that you gave everything and cared the most about, there must be more to the world than just being second best. 

It's so hard when people preach at you about how you should love yourself and love your body when they have no idea how it feels to be you, to loathe yourself so much that the only means of finding peace is to destroy your body or to sleep and escape the world because you can't deal with the constant contradicting feelings. 

I just can't deal with the constant argument going on in my head, the contradictions, I can deal with the rest, but not the noise, the confusion, the ups and downs, the fact that I don't remember ever being stable.

I just want to be okay, to go a day without battling the need to cut or worse, the addiction to the feeling of release and control that comes from self harm, the intermittent replacement self harm and coping strategies that I don't even realise I'm doing, the things I'm becoming.