25th July 2015

People often think that if you have a smile on your face you are happy, that everything's going okay when in reality a lot of the time a smile is just a front, a mask of the distress and sadness boiling up within a person.

It's hard to put in to words my reality, my dreams, my truth, because a lot of the time lately it's something that I find hard to differentiate and my hope is that by documenting it in this format the line between reality and a dream will become clearer... or maybe just that by writing things down it will help to relieve the anxiety caused by stress and varying other emotions of which seem to totally consume my mind and my life currently.

I'm not afraid of admitting that I've self harmed and been suicidal in the past, heck I even self harmed a couple of months back and just last night suicidal thoughts were taking over my mind, I was numb yet in so much pain, I was crying, tears rolling down my face with no real understanding of the cause apart from feeling overwhelmed.

How do you explain what it's like to someone that doesn't understand, that just can't relate? Yeah people you know have had depression, anxiety, both perhaps but this is more, it's more than that, the feelings of drowning, being on the outside looking in, like some kind of messed up out of body experience, how do you explain the zoning out, the total disconnection with the world and with reality, hiding yourself away in your room to escape, and even trying to escape from the safe place in that room, sleeping because being awake is too hard to handle, because it's the only thing that really settles down the emotional distress which is slowly manifesting itself in to something more physical, in turn giving you more reasons to be anxious and isolated.

I've got so much to do yet I can't motivate myself, I can't sleep without waking up, without having nightmares and paranoid thoughts. I feel so distant from everyone and everything, so alone, all my hope and enthusiasm for the future has just disappeared.

I can't bring myself to voluntarily communicate with anyone but a minimal few, who make the effort with me and I can rely on to be there.

Everyone seems to be so settled in their lives, so sure of the next step, college, university, apprenticeships, long term relationships, moving house, weddings, happily ever afters being created all around me and I can't even manage happiness for five minutes.

My moods and attention cycles several times in the duration of a day and I don't even notice it, I can't keep up with it, I must be so hard to be around, and then the guilt for bringing others down around me forces me more so to isolate myself, it's a vicious cycle.

My mind is racing and I can't slow the thoughts down, I can't even focus on those things that I usually use as a distraction mechanism.

I'm expected to know what's wrong, what's going on, what's happening in my head but no-one diagnosing me, telling me the truth about what is really happening is only making things worse.

Is this even mental health anymore, or am I just going properly mental?

What's happening to me? To the person I was, to the person I was even starting to like, to be proud of?

She's just fading away.

The need to make it all stop, to silence the voices, the sound, the screaming, to silence it all, even just for a second would stop this hell, but I just don't know how, I don't understand why this is happening, why am I sinking like this?