Thursday, 30 July 2015

30th July

Why, why the hell does this happen every single time? 

Why when I've had a good day or mostly been in a good mood does it suddenly deteriorate so much without reason?

Why does the urge to self harm grow even stronger?

Maybe I just can't allow myself to have good days and think myself in to a bad mood or maybe I subconsciously think that I don't deserve the good so I push it away myself before I get used to it and mess it up? 

I don't know but it's getting too much now. 

Why can't I just be stable, just be normal? 

Why can't I just accept that it's okay to have a good day sometimes without my mood sudden changing? 

Maybe the good days make me realise that this is what normality must be like and hen that's the cause for me getting down?

I wish there was some way of making sense of  it all and distracting myself from that one persistent thought. 

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

29th July 4

It's so hard never being enough, always being that one friend that has a problem, that has some drama going on in their life. It's hard being the person that gets neglected, that has always been bottom of the pile in everything, that always comes second best or as a back up plan, at least that's how it feels, perhaps that's not the reality, but it's the reality that I feel and live every single day. 

I hate it so much, I hate it with a passion but is it me that the problem, is it being bottom that I hate or is it just myself that I am so disgusted with? 

Why do I find it such a monumental and impossible task to be able to even recognise one good quality that I apparently have, why when asked could I list a billion negative traits but not one single thing that I like about myself? 

Is it societies fault, bullies, is it my fault for holding on to all of the negatives, is there something wrong with my 'wiring'?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, how I'm supposed to survive. 

One day I'm going to just end up snapping because I'm so done with all the bull that people come out with, so done with the lies and deceit, people putting others down and deliberately harming them, it's not okay, just like I'm not okay, it just like I never has been and I'm finishing it increasingly difficult to believe that it ever could be.

29th July 3

I know that it's more than this, it's more than what they say. How can I explain that, how do I vocalise things in a world where I feel so invisible, where my voice is silent and has no impact. 

There must be more to life than these intense moods, than constantly getting hurt by the people that you gave everything and cared the most about, there must be more to the world than just being second best. 

It's so hard when people preach at you about how you should love yourself and love your body when they have no idea how it feels to be you, to loathe yourself so much that the only means of finding peace is to destroy your body or to sleep and escape the world because you can't deal with the constant contradicting feelings. 

I just can't deal with the constant argument going on in my head, the contradictions, I can deal with the rest, but not the noise, the confusion, the ups and downs, the fact that I don't remember ever being stable.

I just want to be okay, to go a day without battling the need to cut or worse, the addiction to the feeling of release and control that comes from self harm, the intermittent replacement self harm and coping strategies that I don't even realise I'm doing, the things I'm becoming.

29th July 2

I don't want to be bubble wrapped or wrapped in cotton wool, I don't need protecting, need shielding from the truth.

I don't want to be treated like some child whose view of reality is somewhat skewed by lack of truth, people hiding the truth through a fear that I can't cope, a fear that it will break me. 

I don't need people to be fake, to keep the truth from me, the chances are it won't make things any worse and if I'm always protected from the truth what am I expected to do when people finally start being honest with me?

29th July

I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, people are talking to me and it's like I'm not even  there, I've zoned out completely, I've just sunken in to the little bubble that I create around me. 

I seem to barely eat and people notice that my attention and mood drop, if other people can see it then why can't the therapists? 

People with bipolar are recognising bipolar traits within me and I'm going out of my mind questioning and doubting the diagnoses. 

I feel like I'm broken, lost, empty, like I'm living without meaning or purpose, like I'm totally worthless. 

I just want to go home, but where even is home these days? 
I just want to sleep and sleep until it's all over, I just want to escape this hell.  

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

28th July

It's funny how something can just hit you out of nowhere, something that you thought you had dealt with, something you thought you could safely move on from in your life, and then the tiniest little thing just hits you like a tonne of bricks and once again you're trapped in that numbness, in the pain, in that moment all over again with no escape.

How can things change in the blink of an eye, in the space of one breathe? How can a whole world be changed in the same space of time that it takes the second hand of a clock to move from 34 to 35, from 1 to 2?

People expect you to be okay, to be able to cope because you're an 'adult' but is it normal to get frustrated with where you're at in your life, to want what others have got? Just to have some purpose or direction. 

You've got no concentration or attention, can't even focus on your favourite film, so you just sit wondering why every single time you let someone in, you give them the world, that it's still not enough, and you're just left there once again, questioning your own worth, if there even is any value.

Do you become a tough, uncaring person with no time for people, or continue to try and support people and just get it thrown back in your face? 

What's the point of being a nice person in today's world, a world so polluted with hatred for each other and the world itself, when even the person that you are is becoming tainted?

Saturday, 25 July 2015

25th July 2015

People often think that if you have a smile on your face you are happy, that everything's going okay when in reality a lot of the time a smile is just a front, a mask of the distress and sadness boiling up within a person.

It's hard to put in to words my reality, my dreams, my truth, because a lot of the time lately it's something that I find hard to differentiate and my hope is that by documenting it in this format the line between reality and a dream will become clearer... or maybe just that by writing things down it will help to relieve the anxiety caused by stress and varying other emotions of which seem to totally consume my mind and my life currently.

I'm not afraid of admitting that I've self harmed and been suicidal in the past, heck I even self harmed a couple of months back and just last night suicidal thoughts were taking over my mind, I was numb yet in so much pain, I was crying, tears rolling down my face with no real understanding of the cause apart from feeling overwhelmed.

How do you explain what it's like to someone that doesn't understand, that just can't relate? Yeah people you know have had depression, anxiety, both perhaps but this is more, it's more than that, the feelings of drowning, being on the outside looking in, like some kind of messed up out of body experience, how do you explain the zoning out, the total disconnection with the world and with reality, hiding yourself away in your room to escape, and even trying to escape from the safe place in that room, sleeping because being awake is too hard to handle, because it's the only thing that really settles down the emotional distress which is slowly manifesting itself in to something more physical, in turn giving you more reasons to be anxious and isolated.

I've got so much to do yet I can't motivate myself, I can't sleep without waking up, without having nightmares and paranoid thoughts. I feel so distant from everyone and everything, so alone, all my hope and enthusiasm for the future has just disappeared.

I can't bring myself to voluntarily communicate with anyone but a minimal few, who make the effort with me and I can rely on to be there.

Everyone seems to be so settled in their lives, so sure of the next step, college, university, apprenticeships, long term relationships, moving house, weddings, happily ever afters being created all around me and I can't even manage happiness for five minutes.

My moods and attention cycles several times in the duration of a day and I don't even notice it, I can't keep up with it, I must be so hard to be around, and then the guilt for bringing others down around me forces me more so to isolate myself, it's a vicious cycle.

My mind is racing and I can't slow the thoughts down, I can't even focus on those things that I usually use as a distraction mechanism.

I'm expected to know what's wrong, what's going on, what's happening in my head but no-one diagnosing me, telling me the truth about what is really happening is only making things worse.

Is this even mental health anymore, or am I just going properly mental?

What's happening to me? To the person I was, to the person I was even starting to like, to be proud of?

She's just fading away.

The need to make it all stop, to silence the voices, the sound, the screaming, to silence it all, even just for a second would stop this hell, but I just don't know how, I don't understand why this is happening, why am I sinking like this?

Friday, 13 March 2015

Publishing unfinished posts.

I know it seems odd that I've published so many unfinished posts, but I'm not in the same place now as I was when I began to write them so it somehow doesn't quite feel right to try and continue with them when my view point will have altered away from the initial intention when writing the posts.

I have published them because I feel it's important to still express how I was feeling at that time.

Unfinished 9

What do I do when I don't know what else to do?

Take to Blogger it seems.

I'm now beginning to understand how much it hurts for others to see someone they love and care about more than anything in such a bad way

2014 (Unfinished 8)

So I am more than aware that I have been absent from writing on my blog but I have been far from mentally stable

I may be quiet but I have so much on my mind. (Unfinished 7)

I've not had much time to myself lately, I'm always promising myself that I'll blog daily but I just don't get the chance, having five minutes to myself would be a miracle let alone the time to sit down and write my blog.

I guess there will always be times in your life where things are exceptionally busy and to use my life motto, nothing worth doing or having is easy. I hope things do get easier and less busy for me I'm sure they will though I suppose, you just have to experience the tough times to be able to appreciate the easier ones.

I'm really struggling to focus on what I need to say at the moment or what it is that I want to say so I think I'm going

Unfinished 6

Tuesday 28th October 2014

Do you ever find you don't know what you're doing? Don't know what to do for the best?

You want to help but you don't have all the right answers?

Do you ever find that sometimes your needs get lost amongst everyone elses, against mundane tasks?

Unfinished 5

It's funny how life can change in a matter of moments, of minutes, days, weeks, months or even years. If you look at where you are now in your life and where you were five years ago I'm sure for better or for worse your life was totally different, and if you look at one day from the next the variation is similar.

There's the good days and the bad days, the times when you've never been happier and those moments when you've been at rock bottom. People that were once a part of your life aren't anymore, new people come along and some people stay for the duration. We experience times of greatness and also times of sadness, times when we feel we made the right decisions, but also times where we feel we made mistakes. They'll be times when we think we could or should have done better and other times when we are full of pride and confidence of what we've done  and achieved.and times full of

They'll be times when we all say and do things that we didn't mean and times when we express how

It's enough (Unfinished 4)

Firstly I'd like to apologise for yet again a massive delay in updating my blog but unfortunately family circumstances have got in the way and I have had to prioritise that.

This post is actually a bit of an odd one for me to write about because it came out of something that I did without even realising.

I had the great privilege of part of my volunteer work to speak to young people suffering with a mental health condition about their recovery and I had such good feedback, I was told that I'd inspired the young people to believe that they are able to get better, that they can change and things will get easier.

Having spoken afterwards to the manager she told me that all of the young people had awoken feeling really enthused and inspired

Everything Happens For A Reason (Unfinished 3)

I'm writing this post, sat outside my college on a bench in the smoking area, with a girl I've become close friends with as she practises playing her guitar and singing to me.
It's moments like this in life that make everything worth while and put life in to context.

Life doesn't have to be about the times of misery, or feeling lost but about those little moments that make everything else make sense.

Life shouldn't be counted on a scale of how long we live, how much we achieve, grades or results, or how many breaths we take but by those moments that can't be replaced.

It's hard to even express how privileged I am to be sat here, listening to beautifully written, beautifully performed music, with a girl who I can guarantee will be a friend of mine for life, with beautiful weather.

It really begins to put in to perspective what's important in life, and how important it is to grab hold of special moments and treasure them

Unfinished 2

It's hard to find the words when there are none, when your mind can barely put a sentence together, you feel trapped, like you're inside yourself, your body both physically and mentally weak from being drained for too long and a tiny voice inside of you is trying to scream to be let out but no-one but you can hear it, but to you it's not a tiny voice, it's deafening, it's all you can think about, wanting to escape, to release, to be free,  but it's not possible.

How can you escape your own thoughts, your own fears and misconceptions?

How can you try to encourage yourself to believe in a better life, a better world when there is nothing you hate more than yourself?

Unfinished 1

It's hard to find the words when there are none, when your mind can barely put a sentence together, you feel trapped, like you're inside yourself, your body both physically and mentally weak from being drained for too long and a tiny voice inside of you is trying to scream to be let out but no-one but you can hear it, but to you it's not a tiny voice, it's deafening, it's all you can think

Daily Act of Kindness

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, a lot of talking and a lot of listening. Plenty of people have told me how inspirational I am, how I’m hard working, amazing or incredible, and this isn’t me blowing my own trumpet at all, but it got me thinking

What are the qualities that I have that people value, is there something special about me, or is it just something about this generation that means that people that do little things that make a big difference like I do are either rare or taken for granted?

People are quick to throw negative remarks around, to speak in a derogative way or to look down their noses at people, but they don’t take the time to help, to listen, to ask or to understand.

It’s not hard to make an impact on somebodies day, be it positively or negatively, the language that you use can make a real impact, saying please and thank you, respecting people’s differences and respecting them for who they are as a person, rather than focusing on what they might be makes a big difference.

Just because you don’t agree with someones life choices, views, opinions or beliefs it doesn’t mean you should be disrespectful to them.

So your skin might be a different colour, you might be a different gender, a different height or weight, a different sexuality, you might be of a different religion or faith, of different age, you might dress differently or choose to follow a different path, but everyone does, and the one thing that is normal about the world is that everything and everyone in it is different.

The only valid definition of the word normal these days, in my eyes, is different.

The things that children are being taught not only by schools, but by friends, families and peers too are not inclusive of acceptance, pride, understanding and selflessness.

We aren’t taught that normality is in itself weird, I mean what kind of concept is that?

We’re forced to conform and follow rules, which I understand in some situations is a necessity but we’re not taught that it’s okay to be ourselves and to be proud of who we are, we’re not encouraged to accept diversity.

But the things that we do can teach others, the words and language that we use can make a difference, so instead of putting people down, lets build people up, instead of rushing everywhere lets take time to appreciate the little things in life, if someone needs help don’t walk away because it’s not your problem, help them.

If you don’t know something about the way someone lives their life, why not ask, and educate yourself rather than making judgement on opinions you’ve formed without knowing the full reality.

I dare you to do two things, each and every day to make a difference.

  1. Do something small to help somebody you know, to show them that they’re appreciated, make them a cuppa, compliment their outfit, listen to them.
  2. Do something small to help someone you don’t know, smile at them, hold open a door, give some change to somebody on the streets.

I don’t do anything that you can’t, we can all give our time for other people, whether it’s lending a listening ear, complimenting someone, standing up for what you believe is right and supporting good causes, challenging peoples language or actions, taking the time to learn more about things you don’t understand.

Everyone feels alone sometimes, everyone has a bad day, everyone needs someone, and you never know when that tiny action you make could make a difference.

But as well as being kind to others, be kind to yourself, learn to love the world, if you don’t like something about it then you have the potential to change it.

Let’s stop wasting our time with hatred and negativity, put that energy and fury in to something positive.

The lessons we teach aren’t always taught at school but by our actions every day, so lets be more thoughtful about our language, about the things we say and the things that we do, if you have an issue with someone discuss it with them, don’t tell the whole of Facebook but not them.

If we all took responsibility for ourselves and our actions then we can teach the next generation the most valuable of lessons.

If you take nothing else away from this status take away this:

  1. No matter how busy you are, you can always spare 30 seconds for somebody else, it might not seem like much but that 30 seconds could change your life, as well as the person you give your time to.
  2. Time costs nothing.
  3. Love your elders, do what you can to help them because they fought for our lives, one day you’ll be old and if we teach todays young people to neglect their elders then it will be you being neglected.
  4. Smiling at strangers is not weird, do it, I dare you, it spreads warmth.
  5. Nobody is better than anyone, we were all born equal so lets accept and love each other for who we are, let’s start acting more like equals.
  6. Value everyone, everyone has a story to tell and their story may well change your life, and sharing it with someone may well change theirs.

Stop living in a bubble, the world isn’t perfect, there’s still lots of things in the world that need to be changed and challenged, but we all have the potential to make a difference to the world every single day.

Let’s all take responsibility for the way that the world is, and work together to change it.

I’m going to begin posting on peoples walls again, along with #100daysofhappiness and brand new # #TABS because a tiny action can cause big satisfaction, #dailyactofkindness

If you’re in share and comment on this status, lets all try and spread some more love and let’s all become an inspiration.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015


How on earth do you try and explain your whole life to a total stranger when you can’t even begin to explain it to yourself?

How do you even know who you are when you’ve put up a facade for so long that even you can’t distinguish what feelings are real and which you’ve faked with that big smile and infectious laugh?

How can you explain the feelings, the thoughts as you slowly destroy your own body, cut after cut after cut, as you pull your hair, barely even noticing it pulling, as you wish even harder than you did as a child, hoping for a particular present at Christmas, that somebody will come in and take the pain away, take you away, relieve you of this life, end it all, the noise, the silence,  the pain, the shame, the hurt, the anger, the fear.

How do you try to type through tears, breathe when you’ve cried so much its nearly impossible, but why are you trying to breathe when the thing you want more than anything is to never breathe again.

For some reason when you were walking in front of the car, something stopped you and froze that moment in time and you’re not even strong enough to take your own life so whats the point?

How do you deal with the constant fear, being trapped, broken promises, breaking promises, and how do you admit that once again you’ve lost control and you lay there numb and still once again like you did when he hurt you?

How can you be so numb and cold yet feel the pain so much, feel so attached, not only to people but every negative comment, every remark, every single time you walk down the street and realise you’ll never be like them, you’ll never be okay, you’ll never be accepted, or just be, because if you can’t accept yourself how will anyone else?

You’re destroying the only thing you have control over, yourself, but you feel that you have none, it’s spiralling, every day it worsens and the voices screaming are getting louder, they want to break free, be let out.

I can’t focus, or concentrate, I’m anxious and freaking out, the work at college just isn’t happening, the only thing keeping me relatively calm is me listening to the same song on repeat, over and over and over again.

I’m just staring in to space, just typing without even looking at the screen, I feel sick, and my head hurts, I’m exhausted and drained and everyone can see that something’s not right.

I have no reason to fight any more, no reason to be, I’m invisible at home so who would even notice if I was gone, I practically am anyway, I’m just, silent. College feels like home more than either house ever has but even that is beginning to fall apart, I can’t help but push people away, how can I believe that I can trust them when they give me a million reasons not to and the only person I ever trusted died, 3 years 6 months and 29 days and it still kills me like it was yesterday.

My physical pain is becoming emotional and the emotional distress manifests is itself as physical pain, how do you deal with pain in every morsel of your body yet feel so numb.

It’s hard to keep writing but it’s hard to stop, I’m sick of constantly fighting with myself, with my thoughts, with the voices telling me i’m not worthy.

I just want it to be over.