How do you explain to someone what it feels like, when you don't understand what it feels like yourself, you feel like its happening around you, but not to you, yet at the same time it feels so real and it hurts? How can something feel like it's happening to you and not happening to you at the same time? It makes no sense, none of it does, half the time I feel like I spend my life watching myself, like I'm on the outside looking in. I have these really strong feelings yet I feel so weak, so small.
I'm trapped in this shell that's so numb, yet I feel the pain escalating and building up inside me, I feel like a volcano that's about to erupt yet I don't even know why. I can feel it all burning inside me, boiling up and it's deafening, but so is the momentary silence.
I cry without a cause and smile without a meaning, I dream of escaping the voices, they fight and argue, like a wrestling match inside my head, maybe that's the reason for the headaches, for the pain, they're fighting each other to be heard, it's like an orchestra of voices, of different pitches, tones and volumes building and building to a large crescendo, I sit there waiting for the bomb to go off, and the silence to fill the air but it just waits, waits for its time to be the centre of it all.
It's alarming it's like my thoughts are having a tug of war with themselves, my chest is pounding, it's so tight and the more I write the quieter the screaming demands are yet the tighter my chest becomes, why am I so anxious?
I don't want to have to battle the thoughts all the time, to cry myself to sleep as a distraction, I'm so tired all the time yet it keeps me awake, I toss and I turn and I wake up in agony, the emotional torture is becoming physical, I'm becoming numb and unable to do the simplest of things. I feel no purpose, no worth, I'm so elated yet so drained, I'm exhausted but energetic, how can this be when everything that I am, not that I'm sure what that is is contradicting itself?
I think they're right to stare and wonder, for people to not get it, to get me or what I'm about. They advise me on life and tell me to relax but I'm not sure that I've ever done that in my life, I'm tired of battling with myself, I'm tired of having to talk to myself to try and engage the right voice to control my body.
I don't think I'm very well but I'm scared of not being well, because I crave some normality, structure in my life yet I can't sit still, can't concentrate on anything and when I do I zone out and the world around me disappears, and there I am again, shut in the cage, in the jail, banging at the bars to be set free, to be allowed to just, be. Everyone's sleeping yet it's not peaceful, it's noisy and hectic, I feel like I'm constantly on the go, running a marathon just to make it through each day. I feel like times standing still yet running away from me.
I want to understand, I want to be able to cope, to make it stop but I just can't and other people have seen it too, the mood swings, the shutting down both physically and emotionally, my withdrawal, the outbursts, my unrealistic beliefs and expectations, wanting to conquer the world and then wanting to withdraw from it.
I smile sometimes but I don't think it's because I'm happy, well lets face it I'm not, I look around me and feel invisible, I sat outside at a family gathering while everyone else was inside and people didn't even notice I'd gone, they walked by and pointed at something near me with no recognition of me even being there.
Sometimes I feel alive for a moment but then I feel guilt for feeling it and I feel numb, I can't connect with anything or anyone, people have noticed and I don't know if I can hide it, the thoughts are racing in my head and I can barely type as quickly as the words are coming, I want to do this to make sense of it all yet I feel like I'm out of breath.
I feel like I should stop writing but how can I, how can I stop the thoughts and the screaming, I want bubble wrap, I want to feel safe, I don't want or need to be protected yet at the same time it's what I'm crying out for. I physically grab at my hair and pull at it sometimes with frustration from just trying to make it make sense.
Why do I have no control, why can't I just make it stop, make it all go away, but if it did who would I be, what would I be, what am I without the noise and confusion, what am I without these thoughts polluting my head?
I don't know what to think or how to feel, I don't know what I am, what to do, what to say, but I need someone to listen and take notice and help me, because I know I should help myself but it's so hard to face the reality, I need someone to help me to do it. I feel like I need someone to grab me by the shoulders and tell me to snap out of it, someone to push me to do something for myself, I know I need to but how, how do you prioritise yourself when you've never done it before, how do you find the time, is it selfish? How do you explain?
I'm sure all these questions should have answers and that this blog probably makes no sense but I guess its not meant to because it's a real insight, I'm tired yet I'm wide awake. I feel like I'm floating, when I say that I feel a little calmer but then I feel like I'm drowning in a fast current and the two pictures merge and blur and hurt to try and work out where I am.
I can't seem to sleep without the telly on lately, I don't know why, maybe I need to feel like I'm not alone, but how could I ever be alone with all these different voices of mine in my head trying to get me in gear?
I wish they'd let me rest, sit down for half an hour maybe and just enjoy silence, peace and quiet, rest for a while without worrying about what I need to do, who I need to be.
I thought I'd become me but I just seem to have become unwell, unstable and unsure. I'm drained, I'm tired and I'm worn out, I'm struggling to fight, yet there's something in my heart screaming to be strong, but what if I can't be anymore, what if I've been strong for too long?
I need to speak to someone, get some medical help or advice but I don't know how, or where or what.
I just...need, to. be