Happy Pills (2012 post)

Happy Pills

17th October 2012

Today has been a funny kind of day, I fell asleep last night at around 10.30pm, I had a headache so I only planned on going upstairs for a bit of peace and quiet but I fell asleep, waking up several times but not staying awake until 2.30am when I decided that I should probably eat so I could take my tablets. I wrote my first blog post shortly after and then tried to get to sleep for a few hours before having to get up to go to the walk in surgery at the hospital as it is the only way of actually managing to get to see a doctor.
The main reason for going into the appointment was to seek help with my headaches but to me the main focus was helping to stabilize me, I'd been all over the place, tight chest, headaches, always nervous and getting really anxious and worried about things, get angry and upset, I was an emotional wreck and I didn't know where to turn for help. I knew I needed it, but where did I turn. I rang my Mum the day before to try and explain to her, I was so scared, I didn't trust myself, my mood, I didn't trust myself to be around people because I felt like a small child being fed to a cage of lions, I felt like the whole world was going to attack me. I couldn't deal with all the questions, being asked if I was okay, which by the way is one of the worst questions you can ask a person with depression for reasons which will become clear in my next post. I knew my self control wouldn't be able to overall my anger and that I needed some form of happy pill to help to calm me down.
I was on Amitriptyline, originally to help me sleep as they think I might have Myalgic Encephalopathy, however it soon became apparent that a stronger dose was needed so that it could be used as a mild anti- depressant.
After a while they upped my dose, deciding that it needed to be stronger to combat the level of depression that I was suffering from. I was hopeless at taking tablets, so seemed to have a great deal of them laying around the house and overdosed on them.
The first time was in front of a friend who just sat there and carried on doing what he was doing - it was a mild strength and I didn't take that many so the only real effect was making me incredibly sleepy and giving me a dry mouth, no-one knew apart from myself and my "friend" that was there at the time.
The second time was in July this year, and I was rushed to hospital, friends and family said I'd turned blue and I could tell that I'd really upset them, I was questioned so many times as to why I had done it, and the only answer I could give was "I'm sorry, I just wanted to die". They took me off of the Amitriptyline, and referred me to CAMHS (Children and Adult Mental Health Services) who I've already been through countless times to no avail.

When I went to the doctors this morning I explained to him that I have been really struggling and needed help and he asked me questions about my mum and dad, are they together, where does my mum live, do I want to kill myself, he made me fill in a tick sheet too and asked if I wanted to be put on some different anti-depressants.

I'm glad that I said yes in some respects because hopefully it means that I'll be able to be a bit more stable but I hate the fact that I'm 17 years old and reliant on tablets to be able to feel even remotely human, it's like I'm a robot incapable of feeling and being for myself, I have to take this magic happy pill to help me to be what is perceived as "normal" but to me that feeling of loneliness, hurt and insecurity is normal. How am I supposed to know if the happiness or improved mood I'm feeling is artificial, how do I know if I'm really happy or what true happiness is if I'm relying on some tiny little white pill to give me that? Can I even tell someone they made me feel happy, because am I even really "feeling" that or is that just what my body is telling itself, am I being fooled?

Doctors think happy pills are the answer, but to me I think its just the NHS's cop out way of dealing with things that they haven't come across before, dealing with things that they perceive to be too complex, they're handed out far too easily. "Oh you've been sad for a while? Lets give you some tablets to make you feel a bit better about yourself" People then build up a tolerance and become reliant on them. It was obvious to me if I'd forgotten to take one of them at first because I would turn in to an emotional wreck. It was devastating to see how much I really needed to rely on them, because if I hadn't have been taking them I probably would have had a break down or worse.

And to make matters worse, I have to go back every ten days to get more tablets as they will only issue me with 14 at a time because I can't be trusted, yet I'm already on four other tablets.

Y'know it would be far cheaper for the NHS to just give everyone the old recipe blue smarties, then everyone would be bouncing off the walls....

On a side note I also saw the dentist today who told me that it looks like my braces are nearly ready to come off, so we'll see what the orthodontist has to say next week and I have to get glasses!