Thursday, 30 July 2015

30th July

Why, why the hell does this happen every single time? 

Why when I've had a good day or mostly been in a good mood does it suddenly deteriorate so much without reason?

Why does the urge to self harm grow even stronger?

Maybe I just can't allow myself to have good days and think myself in to a bad mood or maybe I subconsciously think that I don't deserve the good so I push it away myself before I get used to it and mess it up? 

I don't know but it's getting too much now. 

Why can't I just be stable, just be normal? 

Why can't I just accept that it's okay to have a good day sometimes without my mood sudden changing? 

Maybe the good days make me realise that this is what normality must be like and hen that's the cause for me getting down?

I wish there was some way of making sense of  it all and distracting myself from that one persistent thought. 

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

29th July 4

It's so hard never being enough, always being that one friend that has a problem, that has some drama going on in their life. It's hard being the person that gets neglected, that has always been bottom of the pile in everything, that always comes second best or as a back up plan, at least that's how it feels, perhaps that's not the reality, but it's the reality that I feel and live every single day. 

I hate it so much, I hate it with a passion but is it me that the problem, is it being bottom that I hate or is it just myself that I am so disgusted with? 

Why do I find it such a monumental and impossible task to be able to even recognise one good quality that I apparently have, why when asked could I list a billion negative traits but not one single thing that I like about myself? 

Is it societies fault, bullies, is it my fault for holding on to all of the negatives, is there something wrong with my 'wiring'?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, how I'm supposed to survive. 

One day I'm going to just end up snapping because I'm so done with all the bull that people come out with, so done with the lies and deceit, people putting others down and deliberately harming them, it's not okay, just like I'm not okay, it just like I never has been and I'm finishing it increasingly difficult to believe that it ever could be.

29th July 3

I know that it's more than this, it's more than what they say. How can I explain that, how do I vocalise things in a world where I feel so invisible, where my voice is silent and has no impact. 

There must be more to life than these intense moods, than constantly getting hurt by the people that you gave everything and cared the most about, there must be more to the world than just being second best. 

It's so hard when people preach at you about how you should love yourself and love your body when they have no idea how it feels to be you, to loathe yourself so much that the only means of finding peace is to destroy your body or to sleep and escape the world because you can't deal with the constant contradicting feelings. 

I just can't deal with the constant argument going on in my head, the contradictions, I can deal with the rest, but not the noise, the confusion, the ups and downs, the fact that I don't remember ever being stable.

I just want to be okay, to go a day without battling the need to cut or worse, the addiction to the feeling of release and control that comes from self harm, the intermittent replacement self harm and coping strategies that I don't even realise I'm doing, the things I'm becoming.

29th July 2

I don't want to be bubble wrapped or wrapped in cotton wool, I don't need protecting, need shielding from the truth.

I don't want to be treated like some child whose view of reality is somewhat skewed by lack of truth, people hiding the truth through a fear that I can't cope, a fear that it will break me. 

I don't need people to be fake, to keep the truth from me, the chances are it won't make things any worse and if I'm always protected from the truth what am I expected to do when people finally start being honest with me?

29th July

I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, people are talking to me and it's like I'm not even  there, I've zoned out completely, I've just sunken in to the little bubble that I create around me. 

I seem to barely eat and people notice that my attention and mood drop, if other people can see it then why can't the therapists? 

People with bipolar are recognising bipolar traits within me and I'm going out of my mind questioning and doubting the diagnoses. 

I feel like I'm broken, lost, empty, like I'm living without meaning or purpose, like I'm totally worthless. 

I just want to go home, but where even is home these days? 
I just want to sleep and sleep until it's all over, I just want to escape this hell.  

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

28th July

It's funny how something can just hit you out of nowhere, something that you thought you had dealt with, something you thought you could safely move on from in your life, and then the tiniest little thing just hits you like a tonne of bricks and once again you're trapped in that numbness, in the pain, in that moment all over again with no escape.

How can things change in the blink of an eye, in the space of one breathe? How can a whole world be changed in the same space of time that it takes the second hand of a clock to move from 34 to 35, from 1 to 2?

People expect you to be okay, to be able to cope because you're an 'adult' but is it normal to get frustrated with where you're at in your life, to want what others have got? Just to have some purpose or direction. 

You've got no concentration or attention, can't even focus on your favourite film, so you just sit wondering why every single time you let someone in, you give them the world, that it's still not enough, and you're just left there once again, questioning your own worth, if there even is any value.

Do you become a tough, uncaring person with no time for people, or continue to try and support people and just get it thrown back in your face? 

What's the point of being a nice person in today's world, a world so polluted with hatred for each other and the world itself, when even the person that you are is becoming tainted?

Saturday, 25 July 2015

25th July 2015

People often think that if you have a smile on your face you are happy, that everything's going okay when in reality a lot of the time a smile is just a front, a mask of the distress and sadness boiling up within a person.

It's hard to put in to words my reality, my dreams, my truth, because a lot of the time lately it's something that I find hard to differentiate and my hope is that by documenting it in this format the line between reality and a dream will become clearer... or maybe just that by writing things down it will help to relieve the anxiety caused by stress and varying other emotions of which seem to totally consume my mind and my life currently.

I'm not afraid of admitting that I've self harmed and been suicidal in the past, heck I even self harmed a couple of months back and just last night suicidal thoughts were taking over my mind, I was numb yet in so much pain, I was crying, tears rolling down my face with no real understanding of the cause apart from feeling overwhelmed.

How do you explain what it's like to someone that doesn't understand, that just can't relate? Yeah people you know have had depression, anxiety, both perhaps but this is more, it's more than that, the feelings of drowning, being on the outside looking in, like some kind of messed up out of body experience, how do you explain the zoning out, the total disconnection with the world and with reality, hiding yourself away in your room to escape, and even trying to escape from the safe place in that room, sleeping because being awake is too hard to handle, because it's the only thing that really settles down the emotional distress which is slowly manifesting itself in to something more physical, in turn giving you more reasons to be anxious and isolated.

I've got so much to do yet I can't motivate myself, I can't sleep without waking up, without having nightmares and paranoid thoughts. I feel so distant from everyone and everything, so alone, all my hope and enthusiasm for the future has just disappeared.

I can't bring myself to voluntarily communicate with anyone but a minimal few, who make the effort with me and I can rely on to be there.

Everyone seems to be so settled in their lives, so sure of the next step, college, university, apprenticeships, long term relationships, moving house, weddings, happily ever afters being created all around me and I can't even manage happiness for five minutes.

My moods and attention cycles several times in the duration of a day and I don't even notice it, I can't keep up with it, I must be so hard to be around, and then the guilt for bringing others down around me forces me more so to isolate myself, it's a vicious cycle.

My mind is racing and I can't slow the thoughts down, I can't even focus on those things that I usually use as a distraction mechanism.

I'm expected to know what's wrong, what's going on, what's happening in my head but no-one diagnosing me, telling me the truth about what is really happening is only making things worse.

Is this even mental health anymore, or am I just going properly mental?

What's happening to me? To the person I was, to the person I was even starting to like, to be proud of?

She's just fading away.

The need to make it all stop, to silence the voices, the sound, the screaming, to silence it all, even just for a second would stop this hell, but I just don't know how, I don't understand why this is happening, why am I sinking like this?